I’m really not sure if what I am feeling is depression or just the effects of the break up.  I’ve had other boyfriends and broken up but for some reason this feels different.  Maybe it’s just that I truely loved him more than even I realized and this is just normal.  I really don’t know.

I don’t sleep and when I do I dream of things that I would really rather not have in my head, I eat less in one week than my 10 year old does in one day and no I’m not exagerating, I used to smoke maybe a pack every day and a half now I’m smoking a pack and a half a day, I know I’m moving but have nothing packed, I just can’t seem to do anything.

I honestly feel like I have lost a part of my family in all this.  I was actually doing not too bad till last week when I had posted something on my facebook status.  It was totally innocent, not meant at my ex at all however someone read it and called here and words were said.  By both of us that I really wish I could take back.  I thought of this lady not only as a member of my ex’s family but as someone I loved as a member of my own family.  Now not only have I lost my ex but I have lost one of my very close friends.  I doubt she will ever read this but if you do and you know who you are I really wish you would call and I that I didn’t have to loose you as well.

I’ve gotten a referal to a psychiatrist for March 13th and I really hope this helps.  Not all my problems or depression or what ever you want to call it are because of the breakup.  I have had many many problems in my life as everyone has however I’ve never been great at dealing with them.  Which is the difference I think.  I’m almost positive it has a lot to do with why I’ve never had a successful relationship.

So I know it’s going to take awhile and it isn’t going to be fixed in a session or two but I am hoping maybe this doctor can at least help me so that I can find and live a normal or semi-normal life and hopefully one day find someone that can love me and be with me.

So in the next couple of weeks my son and I will be moving to our own place out in the country.  It’s actually the house we lived in before Doug and I bought a house together.  It’s just a small little place but we liked it there and it was perfect for us and the 2 cats and the dog.

Although I know it’s for the best that we are not together I can’t help but miss him.  I know this will pass and I think once we are in our own place it will be much better.  Doug and I are attempting to remain friends and since we work at the same place I am really hoping we can work it out.

So for now I am just trying to find my way alone again.  Well not totally alone as I still have my son but as you all know it’s just not the same.  We have 2 cats one black with six toes who’s name is Idjet and the other one is a blonde brat.  She is only about 6 months old and boy oh boy is she a handful.  My son calls her Chaos but I call her little bitch…lol.  And last but not least is my dog.  This little shithead is going to be 2 on March 14th.  I always said I would never pay alot for a dog but this little guy was really worth it, well most of the time anyways…lol.  He’s a pure-bred Bassett Hound.  Adorable little bugger that he is

I work full time at an ice cream plant in town…well ok they call it full time but I only work 30 hrs a week but get paid for 40 the only down side is that it’s a weekend shift.  Although for some weekends may not work it actually does for me right now.  I only have my son every other weekend and those weekends he’s not here are REALLY long by myself.

I know what you are thinking.  What about your friends….well let me be honest with you.  I don’t really have any that I’m close with right now.  Sure I have lots that I talk to about general things but no one really close that I can lean on other than my neice Michelle and my mom and they both have lives of their own.  So basically it’s just me and my son.

Well I guess for now I’m going to sign off on the basic stuff.  You will find more posts on the other topics as I create them.  Take care